Mind the Gap

I am mindful that I have a gap in my life. I wonder how in my life that on one side, I am constantly drawn to religious and spiritual literature. I relish the insights, the inspiration, the new ideas, or new twists on old themes that come with reading prayerful people's work. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with joy and a feeling of being truly alive when I am drawn into an article or text that brings me back to a sense of Vocation. My vocation, my purpose. It's like entering into a inner place of security and rightness and connectedness to all things. That's how I know that it's real: I get a sense of being connected to reality, to ultimate timelessness, to the Present, to God. However, on the other hand, I don't take the time to pray. Why not, I wonder? I do pray in the sense of every moment is prayer when done intentionally, but to take time out and pray, to meditate, to read the Bible, to pray the psalms, etc... this I don't do. I think that I am afraid of the transformation that would occur. I would let go some of my selfishness, I might even begin to realize my greatness... that's a scary thought. In short, I would be drawn out of the life in which I am now comfortable. I instinctively know that if I really want to live in the joy that the spiritual texts lead me to, then I would chose to cultivate this discipline. To truly deepen, I need to truly spend time with God. To spend time with God, on an I-Thou level, I would need to make the time. If I am going to go forward in my life, and be an instrument of God's love, and to live out the vocation that is mine, to live out the life that is mine, to be who I already am, then I must stop now, be with God in the present, and fill in the gap between my ontological reality and my praxis.